I have fully come to terms with my single-dom, embraced it even. (You might get to the end of this post and think I'm in denial, but that's your problem). I am okay being single. It's fun at times, frustrating at other times, but for the most part I enjoy the freedom and knowing that I can be spontaneous, and basically do whatever the heck I want, any time I want! Okay moving on...
This may be confession hour and I may end up writing things I wouldn't normally tell people, but I've thinking about this post a long time and it just needs to happen.
As a near-spinster (definition; an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the age of marriage), I hear a lot of comments, remarks, and questions from well-meaning friends and relatives. Here are a few of my favorites, with the response I usually keep to myself.
1. "Are you dating anyone?"
Please. I know you see my FB and plus, has that question EVER been answered with a yes?! Ever???? NO! For good reason. I never am dating anyone. But it is understandable that some people might not know that I am not one of those girls who always has to have a boyfriend to be happy, so I forgive them.
2. "You must be going on so many dates!"
This is usually met with a good laugh from me, because I don't know why so many people assume that! Do they really think guys are asking me out every weekend, that there isn't a Friday night where I'm not going out with someone? Just because I live in Provo DOES NOT mean I am going on "so many dates". Quite the opposite actually. In the last 6 months, I have gone on 2 dates. TWO. Does that count as many? Didn't think so. This inevitably leads to....
3. "But you are such a catch!!"
HA HA HA HA. If that was true, I'd be married, or at least dating, someone by now. Apparently everyone can see it but me...and every eligible man on this planet. I've heard it many times, "you are awesome, hilarious, beautiful (huh??), smart, a good runner, outdoorsy, blah blah blah, what guy wouldn't want you?" I know I have self-esteem issues, I have for a long time, but most people don't know it because I hide it very well. And every day, week, month, year that goes by with me becoming even more and more single (yes, it is possible) I can't help to wonder, am I really worth someone's time (and eternity)?! Am I really as special as my friends and relatives make me out to be? Or am I just an average person living an average life? The more I go through life, the more I have realized that these are Satan's lies. I know I'm not the prettiest, skinniest, fastest, funniest, smartest, or most talented girl out there, but I KNOW that doesn't mean that I don't have worth. It all goes back to the Young Women's theme, that I am Heavenly Father's daughter, and he loves me. Isn't that all that should matter? Even if nobody on this earth loved me (and I know people do, don't get me wrong) I still know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior still do. And that's all I need for now.
But still... having people repeatedly tell me I'm a catch but having no men realize it enough to even ask me out gets quite disheartening after a while.
4. "You should show more cleavage."
Okay disclaimer-- this is my mom's favorite phrase to me when our discussions about dating come up, and she says in a complete joking manner, but... what does that say about men today? I strongly believe that most men don't initially pay attention to a woman unless they find her very attractive, physically. She could have the worst personality but as long as she's "hot" they can put up with it. Now, should I dress like a slut (excuse the language) to attract the tools who will want nothing more than a NCMO, or dress like a real, respectable woman to attract the men who will actually respect me and be interested in a real, lasting relationship? The answer here is clear.
5. "You just need to put out more."
Okay, to be honest, the first time someone told me this I had no idea what it meant. Um, put out what? I'm just so confused. After some asking around, I finally came up with one word to describe someone who "puts out"... EASY. A girl who puts out is one who is readily available for a make out, a booty call, or gives the vibe that she would make out with a guy if he were to just ask. In other words, girls who "put out" are sluts. Sorry, I'm not going to sugar coat this one. And I think everyone who knew me would say that I am not a slut. And in this world where one night stands (or NCMO's, if you're LDS) are so common, I think I am that rare breed of woman where I believe a kiss is kind of a big deal. It means, hey I'm into you, I want to date you, and I hope this becomes something more. It's not like, LOL I think kissing is fun so let's do it! I had a friend try to convince me that a NCMO would be good for my self-esteem, when I think it would have made me feel worse because I would have been going against everything I believe in (note: if that friend is reading this I apologize again and say, it's not you, it's me). Now, there is a more mild form of "putting out" which is where you are just more flirty, which brings me to my next one...
6. "Just flirt more!"
Okay, as my loving younger sister put it so well, "Young single adults are so awkward!!" Let me tell you, I almost wish someone would secretly film me on first dates because I would be the poster-girl for awkwardness. Oh my gosh. I think during most first dates I am inwardly cringing at the things I say and do. It's like I have word vomit most of the time. No wonder I never get second dates. It is for this reason that the advice to "flirt more" sends me into a near panic. There are so many rules and tricks to flirting! Touch his arm! Bat your eyelashes! Flip your hair! Don't cross your arms! Lean towards him! Give him compliments! And the list seriously just goes on forever. So whenever I'm talking to a guy, I can barely concentrate on what he saying because I'm trying to think of how to flirt with him. It's exhausting. Can't I just be my usual, goofy self and hope that he asks me out without me giving him clear signals that I'm interested? Oh wait, I can't. Because men are kind of dumb and need everything spelled out for them. Flirting doesn't work for me because I am so abysmally bad at it.
7. "Wait, you're 23 and not married yet? What's wrong with you?"
Okay this really only comes from the aforementioned little sister, but that doesn't mean I still don't think about it a lot. It's like what I talked about before, is there something wrong with me? In all these failed dates and relationships, the common denominator is ME. That's got to say something, right? I've come to the conclusion that I am just intimidating, I scare the heck out of guys, I don't give clear signals when I'm interested, I don't talk enough about them and talk too much about myself, and maybe I don't seem all that approachable. But I'm working on all of this, and hopefully one day I will get it and it will all click together. I've decided I won't let myself really freak out until I'm 25. Ha ha! Also guys- take notes. I like to watch sports. I love the outdoors. I can cook and bake very well. I give great massages. I make good sandwiches (which sounds sexist but I am so proud of it).....just a couple things to keep in mind :)
8. "Just wait, one day a guy will walk into your life and it will all happen so fast and before you know it you'll be in love and you won't even know how you got there..."
Okay, first off. Just because that happened to you DOES NOT mean it will happen to me. I am not you, you are not me. I personally believe I am incapable, at this time in my life, of loving somebody completely and wholly and having that whole "head-over-heels" feeling. I've never felt it, I've never even felt anything close to that feeling. I don't understand it. It's like love is this thing in a box that I cannot open and not only that, I can't even get a glimpse of what it looks (feels) like. Why do I feel like I have this wall up around my heart? Why am I so emotionally disconnected from everyone? The only thing that makes me cry is when dogs die in books or (spoiler alert) when Harry Potter realizes he has to die (SOBBING). Ha ha! I've never been emotionally hurt in a relationship or anything of the sort, because I have never given my heart to anyone. And then people say, just take the risk!! Well, I would if there was anyone worth risking it on. Unfortunately, I've never dated anyone that I felt like I could take that risk on. I may have had "feelings" for them, but I never felt one inkling of love. Now, I can and do love people, in the way I love my family and my roommates and my old friends, but I've never had that 'falling in love" experience and I'm starting to believe I never will. (Okay that's a bit dramatic).
9. "I'm so glad I'm not single anymore, I hated it!"
So I must hate life so much right now, huh? Because it is IMPOSSIBLE to be happy while you're single, right? In everyone's life, we have our ups and downs. Some days I hate being single and want nothing more to be married, and other days (like the days where I'm on a spontaneous weekend trip with friends or hiking a mountain or skydiving or training for marathons to my hearts content) I am so happy that I am single. I love the spontaneity, the random trips, the late nights, the endless possibilities!!
10. "I can't wait until you get married so we can finally be friends again!"
This was hurtful. I don't know if the person who said it even remembers saying it, but I'm not mad anymore. I do hope they know that it is not true!! Just because I may be single, (and I'm talking to all married people now) and you are married, doesn't mean we can't be friends still! Lunch dates are my absolute favorite thing, even texting and phone conversations! We may have completely different lives, but I love knowing that my married friends still care about me, and I hope they know I still love them to death and that I am not in any way bitter that they are married and I am not. Besides, whose cute babies would I play with? So thank you to my married friends who blog, it helps me out more than you know.
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Well, I didn't want to come up with more than 10 things, so it is here I will end. Just to recap, I am not bitter. Some may think that I am, but mostly the perceived "bitterness" is really sarcasm that doesn't translate well on the computer (somebody invent a sarcasm font!!!). Dieter F. Uchtdorf (the Silver Fox, Captain Uchtdorf, among other nicknames) has spoken two of my most favorite talks of all the talks! "Forget Me Not" and "Your Happily Ever After". In the first one, he talks about how some people are still waiting for their "golden ticket", or the thing in their life which will finally make them happy. They sit, they wait for it, without actually realizing that they can be happy NOW! Today! The choice is ours. And I've made that choice. I'm not waiting for that blessed day when I finally get married to be happy! That is not a way to live!! I'm happy now, in whatever circumstance I am in.
The second talk was about how we have to get through adversity to get to our happily ever after, just like how all the princesses in the Disney stories had to face adversity before they got their prince. There will always be trials, and mostly my trials consist of "how am I still single?" and "I think this finals week will be the death of me" BUT I know it is just a speed bump on the way to my happily ever after. As long as I stay true to what I believe, and always remember that the only way to happiness is through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, then that is all I need.
I am daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me, and I love Him. And I am definitely worth it.
10 comments:
Alicia, thank you! This is so well written and thought out. I love when people are real when they blog. Even though I'm married now, I feel I can totally relate. I never felt the "head over heels in love" thing even after I was engaged (It just felt right) and I thought something was wrong with me. I later found out love (for me) felt different than that. I could go on and on.. Anyway, loved this post.
I'm going to make v-neck tees that say "Team Alicia" on them!
I have so much to say to this! haha.
1. Thanks for the honesty, because I think lots of times when people (myself included) think they are being nice/friendly, it just comes off as rude or annoying.
2. YOU ARE NOT OLD! My sister got married at 25, because that's when it was the right time, right person, etc. And that is considered young to a lot of people.
3. I'm SO awkward. Multiply it by 50 when I'm on a first date. I knew I found the right guy when I actually felt completely comfortable being myself,like I didn't have to try to impress or play games. I'm not saying that's how it is for everyone, just my experience. But I don't think you should feel like you have to act a certain way and especially not go against your values
4. Also just personal experience, I didn't really "fall" head over heels or anything. I made a conscious decision to work at loving my now husband. And, yes, love is work. From what I can tell the "falling" doesn't last without effort.
Ok way TMI. Basically, I completely agree with you even though I'm a crazy person and got married really young.
Team ALICIA! Love it Katie! You basically rock for writing this post, and you are and have always been a good writer. So next time I write a serious blog, I will consult you!
I loved this whole post...(Silver Fox--that's awesome considering every conference my Grandma comments on how attractive Pres. Uchtdorf is without fail), but really, I appreciate the honesty--very refreshing. and also, that whole bit about enjoying being single is important.
I spent a couple of years being almost obsessed that many of my good friends from home where married and I was still single. And you're right...well meaning comments don't always help. The favorite thing that I would hear was "We all thought that you would be married by now!" haha
Anyway, after some struggle I adopted the zen theory of "bloom where you're planted" and it helped, even though some sucky-ness is inevitable. Make the most of life wherever you are--and I applaud you because you seem (and have always seemed) to be pretty good at that. Good skill to have, considering you still have to work at making the most of life AFTER marriage just as much as you do before.
Long story short, Pres Uchtdorf, you are wise, I like lunch and miss having friends nearby, and I could use a new v-neck shirt.
You realize putting out means to have sex, right? Kissing doesn't make you a slut.
How brave of you anonymous to point this out! I'm obviously talking about in LDS terms, because we don't have sex before marriage. So the girls I'm talking about who "put out" are the ones who will just make out with any guy who says yes. Since I have higher standards than that, then yes, the girls who get around are definitely sluts. Sorry if that makes you one.
Alicia that was a well written blog post! Amen to everything you said. Thanks for mentioning me in the post and letting people know of the humorous nature of my comment. I am very proud of you and your trust in people to share your thoughts openly. This should seriously be published because everything you said is true. Here is the definition of SLUT: A slovenly or promiscuous woman. (Slovenly means a person or action that is careless or excessively casual). So yes I think if you are easy and kiss on the first meeting with someone or meet just to kiss then "slut" fits. Also important to note casual kissing can also lead to "other things" and can give the wrong impression leaving a girl in dangerous or uncomfortable predicament. It is better to kiss when there is a mature relationship building. I think if people try to have relationships like the one you desire to have someday based on respect and love less divorce will happen. You are beautiful, bright and very inspiring. I can't wait to have you home again to brighten up our lives! Love, Mom
Love you Alicia! I always love reading your blog! You inspire me to do better all the time! I miss you great job on all the running keep up on the violin playing!
alicia, i love you for this.
as you know i am one of the lone single girls left from our high school. BUT what you said is exactly how i look at life! Who cares if we aren't married? We have more time to do things that others wouldn't be able too. We are BLESSED to have opportunities that our married friends probably haven't been given. Also, you don't wanna kiss any of those boys in Provo. They still don't know what they are doing with their lives :)
Basically, I think you are awesome and single and i love it. Hears to a few more years void of dirty diapers and whiny husbands :)
the end
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