Healthy.

Today in Relief Society, we had a lesson on goals. You know, "new year, new you" type of deal.

When the teacher asked what is usually the top resolution for people, about half of the women all responded at once, "lose weight!"

I frowned to myself. Why is this always a goal for women every year? Even women who are well into their 60's and 70's have this goal of losing 20 pounds or fitting into a smaller pair of jeans and all I can think is, why is this always number one on our list?

I believe that instead of having a goal to lose weight, we should have a goal of being healthy. Let me explain the difference.

I didn't think I would share this because of it's kind of personal, but I think it will help people understand why the goal of "losing weight" is so bothersome to me.

I used to have a very low self esteem when it comes to my body, and only until very recently was I still obsessing over it. I had always thought of myself as the fat friend, fat daughter, fat sister, fat everything. I would look at what the bloggers and instagrammers call "fitspo" and even worse, "thinspo", basically pictures of impossibly fit and skinny girls with the caption "perfect" and "can I be her?" and "that thigh gap!" These pictures fed into my obsession over my hatred of my body. I fed into Satan's lies that I would never be good enough for anyone until my body was perfect.

It's such a disgusting and degrading train of thought, and no doubt these thoughts were perpetuated by Satan and his lies. He knows exactly where to hurt us the most, and he knew that I had suffered from low self esteem my entire life.

This past May, I had my first of two foot surgeries. I was sidelined from running for the foreseeable future, and I ate more food out of frustration that I couldn't run anymore. I gained some weight, not more than 10 pounds but on my frame it was enough to make me hate myself more than I ever had. I began to try fasting for a day or two at a time, no doubt egged on by the bloggers on tumblr who bragged about fasting for 50 hours or 4 days or an entire week! After each fast, I would inevitably binge on whatever there was in the fridge, and as I didn't have the willpower or skill to throw it all up, I would feel even worse about myself. Which would make me fast again. This cycle went on for weeks.

I dreaded family vacation in California because I knew I would be so self-conscious the entire time. I just knew that I would wish I didn't have to wear a swimsuit or expose my fat legs or have to suck in my fat stomach all day. I almost didn't want any pictures taken of me because I knew I would look so fat and they would get posted anyway. I spent every night in California looking at thinspo on my phone and wishing, oh wishing that I could have a smaller butt, a flat stomach, and thigh gap. Whenever I saw another woman, the first thing I noticed was whether she had a better body than me, and it would always inevitably lead to self-loathing whenever I was around women skinnier than me. It made life fairly miserable, and socializing was even worse. I became convinced that the reason I couldn't keep a boyfriend or go on many dates is because I was fat.

Throughout the entire summer, I alternated between fasting and drinking only green tea and eating whatever I could get my hands on, all while spiraling downward into self hate and pity. I texted a friend one day, who I knew suffered from the same awful condition that I did, about what she does when the self-hate is so consuming and feels overwhelming. Thank goodness for her example, and I am grateful for her every day. She ended up writing me a beautiful letter, complete with her favorite scriptures for comfort and healing, and some healthy snacks. It helped, for a couple days at least. I was grateful for her understanding and compassion, but I was too self-absorbed to really take her advice to heart.

The day when I knew I had to stop this dangerous cycle, the day I basically hit rock bottom, was one Sunday in late July. I had fasted since Friday night, all through Saturday, and was still going strong until church. That day, I was performing a violin part with a vocal solo, and it was my favorite song and one I had practiced for a long time. I was feeling slightly light-headed and clammy as I led the music for the opening and sacrament hymns, but I wasn't alarmed. It wasn't until I stood up and walked to front of the stand with my violin, ready to play the musical number, that I felt really ill. My vision was black at the edges, I was very dizzy, I could barely hear the piano and vocalist, and I could barely play the music. I made it through the musical number, but not without messing up in places I had memorized before and I couldn't make it through at all without leaning against the barrier/wall on the front of the stand. I feared I would pass out before the song was over.

I ended up leaving church early that day, claiming that I was sick. Yes, I was sick. Sick in the head, mostly. I went home, fell asleep, and still managed to not eat anything that day, continuing to claim that I was sick. I still ended up having a game night that night. So many people at my house! My hearing was going fuzzy, I couldn't concentrate on anything anyone was saying, and I had to sit down nearly the whole time. At the end, when nearly everyone had gone home, I finally ate some food. A piece of string cheese. I knew that I had made a very poor choice that weekend, and I knew that I definitely did not like the feeling of starving myself. I just couldn't do it anymore.

I think that's why I was able to turn it around so quickly. I wasn't so far gone that I had grown to fear food, had grown to love the feeling of being starved, as some people with eating disorders and similar disorders do. It wasn't like that. The common theme of people with eating disorders is that they lack control in every aspect of their life, except food. They can control food to their hearts content. They enjoy the feeling of triumph they get when they feel light-headed from lack of food, when they see the weight loss on the scale, when they can count the number of calories they consumed during the day on one hand.

That was the last time I ever fasted on a day other than Fast Sunday. I thankfully could recognize that I couldn't continue in this way because it was becoming harmful to my mental well-being. I did some research on eating disorders and found that I had some of the symptoms, but not enough to fit into the category of anorexia or bulimia.. This is what they call EDNOS- Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. The research I did was enough for me to realize that I am better than this. I do not need to starve myself to get skinny! Being healthy is SO much more than being skinny. With the help of Christ's Atonement, a close friend's help, scripture study, prayer for strength and healing, I have been able to get past it. I am not completely over it, to be sure. There are bad days, but the good days VASTLY outnumber the bad days, and that's how I know I'm better.

And this takes us back to the beginning of my post. It bothers me that every woman has the goal of losing weight. Can we change that goal to "becoming more healthy" instead? Instead of saying "I want to lose 20 pounds" how about we say "I was to be able to walk a mile or two every day" or "I want to be able to go up the stairs without getting winded" or "I want to drop my cholesterol level". These are measures of health. You could be 175 pounds and be able to run a half marathon, whereas a 115 pound girl could barely run a mile. And that can go either way, obviously. Weight does not equal health.

I am not, however, talking about obesity. Obesity is obviously dangerous and that definitely warrants an exercise program and a healthy diet change. What I am talking about is the average woman, size 8 or 12 or whatever (basically me, size 10 through and through!) who wishes to lose 20 pounds because the media has instilled in her mind that in order to be beautiful, she needs to be a size 2. I call bullshit.

I am working towards being the healthiest I have ever been in my life, and I have some lofty goals for 2014. However, those goals to not include the number "130" or anything related to pounds. If I make the goal to simply eat healthy (working on it), love my body (I'm getting there! It's a daily struggle), and run as many races as I can (already signed up for a half marathon this year!) then the weight becomes something I don't need to worry about. The main thing for me is to be at a healthy weight for my body, to love my body shape, and to figure out ways to always challenge myself to become better.

The end of story is, being healthy, strong, and fit is SO much more important than being the skinniest you have ever been. They can go hand in hand, of course. If you start exercising more and eating more healthy, sure the weight will come off. But don't make that your priority. It can be so damaging and you can begin to be completely obsessed by that stupid little number on the scale.

Being fit can mean different things to everyone. It could mean being able to keep up with your grandchildren. It could mean running your first marathon. It could mean going on short hikes with your loved ones without being left behind. It could mean going for a bike ride with your spouse. It could mean simply moving around more throughout the day.

I just hope that was we make our New Year's Resolutions this year, we focus less on the numbers and more on our quality of life and our health.